Birthday Thoughts
When I think of my birthday, I think of a privilege. The privilege to live for another year. Having in mind that not everyone can make it through another birthday. In the last two or so years, I have made it a habit to send myself a scheduled email which I normally compose on the day of my birthday or a few days after it. I would receive them at exactly 12:01 in the morning on my special day. It contains my worries for the future and also that thing with feathers — hope.
There is just way too much that can happen in a year. A new semester filled with the weight and joys of responsibilities, a death of a loved one, a celebration of Christ’s birth, a series of typhoons and misfortunes, stories of incredible resilience of the human spirit, the awe and wonder that comes with learning, the possibilities of what can be and what could have been, heartbreaks from plans that did not go through, learning from failures and mistakes, friendship that I keep for life, broken hopes for our country, and so much more. Yet I think of the 2nd of July 2021 as if it was just yesterday. I know as well that every second of it I could not replace. There is no way to turn back time. I say this not out of regret but out of retrospect and reflection.
I could definitely say that I am at a point in life where there is calm and happiness, which are reasons to celebrate. There are sadness and stresses here and there but they are not the themes that dominate my mental skies. Yet at the same time I am acutely aware of how life can change in an instant. There is a big cloud of uncertainty in the future, which none of us can predict.
As I turn on the page of another year, so do our country as it begins with a new administration to take the helm of its affairs for the next six years. The same administration that feeds on untruths, on injustice and in the destruction of our democratic institutions. I do not want to resign in the hope of a better future for our country. But there is a lingering pain for me as I celebrate my birthday on what the coming years will mean to me and the rest of the more than 100 million Filipinos.
As I turn another page in my life, I am thinking of life itself. I wish my loved ones and I will be lent with more years together. I hope too that I have more quality time spent with family and friends.
One thing that has been keeping me awake in the last few days are the thoughts of subjecting myself to certain measures in the workplace and in life. As I type every accomplishment and the points that comes with it, I reflect on whether these ultimately measure the depth of our love and commitment for our students, the communities we work with, our country and humanity. When I see pictures online, I wonder if the same standards of how people should look, dress, live and think are the same standards that I have to keep up with. Perhaps, there are certain measurements that we have to comply. That is the price we pay for living in a society. At the same time, I know that prudence affords us with the ability to see what truly matters — relationships, virtues and faith. Otherwise, we become enslaved in the standards of the world that are meant to destroy the core of our humanity.
The fact is, I am thrilled and a bit anxious about what the next year will bring. Perhaps the Covid-19 pandemic and the War in Ukraine, with all its uncertainties, push us to think a little bit about our own finiteness and limitations. Previously, it seemed to me that humanity has been too complacent in the thinking that the relative peace and prosperity in the past 70 years are givens in the history of mankind. Yet the truth is perhaps this relative calm is nothing but an aberration.
I do not say this with a fatalistic mindset. Rather, it pushes me further to frame my life in terms of myself as an individual, as part of the family, and being interconnected with other people and the environment. More than ever, there is more need for us to think in terms of “we” than “I”. To think of peace and prosperity of individuals, families and societies as not givens but realities in which we are compelled to aspire for and maintain. We have to believe that collective human agency is responsible for the aches of the world. Therefore, it is collective human agency as well that can repair the ills we brought forth on ourselves. The same agency, which is the most sacred of all that have been endowed to us by the Creator, that is meant to be used responsibly.
Contextualizing that into my life, I actually have a 40–50 year plan that I have written a few years ago, which still brings joy to my heart. I have learned this in one seminar at the Philippine Senate around eight years ago. I think the speaker back then was Cong. Miro Quimbo of Marikina who told us, the young people in the audience, to think of our life plans in terms of decades. I have never forgotten that. But it took me some time before I put my own plans into writing.
In truth, I intend to stay in the University and I see my life unfolding here. I simply love what I do. But I also have other dreams for myself and for my country. Dreams woven together in the hope for social-ecological justice and to protect the peace that we enjoy. That vision written in digital ink — like any millennial — is an anchor for me with God as my North Star. This gives me joy and comfort as I pull it through life every day. As I encounter pain and heartbreaks or when things do not go according to plan. Or when I am too overwhelmed with happiness and distracted by success that I have forgotten my calling. Or when I just changed my mind, which I am prone by the way.
Tita Lumen Gomez once commented that I am strong and so too many of my closest friends. It is true. Having met death at its doorstep once after being diagnosed with a lifelong illness is my most hardwon medal. One that I wear so proudly, more than any of my worldly achievements.
But like anyone, there is a part of me that can also be broken easily. Having an anchor and the reason for being fuel me to live. It does not exempt me or anyone from suffering and pain, but having a sense of purpose and faith help us carry on. There is no fixed formula to be strong and happy in this life. The perfect formula belongs up there and not down here. What we have is the daily discovery of what kind of life is worth living for us. What we discover is unique for each of us because none of us are created the same.
To end this entry, I wish I have put into writing the fuzzy thoughts that wrap my mind and to put order in the discord in my heart. I am grateful for the privilege to write and to blog my thoughts, and to freely share this to everyone who takes the time to read my entries.